Giant Idiots

Plaxico Burress I enjoy writing about idiots, and I enjoy writing about New York Giants. However, I hope this is the only time that I ever write about them together.

Two Giants have been giant idiots recently. Plaxico Burress, who caught the winning touchdown in Super Bowl XLII, shot himself in his thigh, with an unregistered handgun. Co–Captain Antonio Pierce, helped him conceal his idiocy.

On Friday night (Nov 28), Pierce drove Burress, from New Jersey, to Latin Quarter nightclub in Manhattan. About 12:20 A.M., when conscientious athletes should be sleeping, Burress was walking to the VIP Room, publicly holding a drink, and privately holding a loaded Glock .40 handgun in his waistband — carried like a true idiot — unholstered, and ready to fire, with the safety off.

Unfortunately, his gun started sliding down his leg, and when Burress grabbed for it with a finger, he shot himself in the thigh. Luckily, the bullet went in and out, without hitting arteries, bones, or innocent bystanders. Burress must have come up with some big tips, because Latin Quarter employees cleaned up his mess, and forgot about it.

After the shooting, Burress, Pierce, and an unidentified female, called hospitals, with a story about a friend, who had accidentally been shot in an Applebee’s, and wanted to avoid publicity. About two hours later, Pierce, with the unlicensed gun in his Escalade’s glove compartment, drove Burress to Presbyterian Hospital, where he registered as Harris Smith at 2:45 A.M.

Although Burress, was recognized — and had previously been a patient there — he persuaded hospital employees not to report his idiotic injury. He stayed in the hospital for about ten hours, and Pierce drove him home, when he was released.

Law & Order I

When the ever–vigilant NYPD learned about Burress’s self–inflicted wound, from a television news report, they sent officers to his home, in Totowa, NJ. When they arrived, Burress was not there, but they were told that his gun, was in the kitchen, and retrieved it. Burress once obtained a concealed–weapon permit for this weapon in Florida, but it had expired. This gun had never been licensed in New York. Burress turned himself in yesterday (Dec 1). Check out a handcuffed Plaxico Burress being led out of the 17th Precinct.

Law & Order II

Plaxico Burress was charged with two counts of second–degree criminal possession of a gun. According to New York Times, he faces:

“a sentence of 3½ to 15 years in prison whether or not prosecutors prove that the individual intended to use the weapon on another person”

Burress is being represented, by Benjamin Brafman, who got “Puff Daddy” acquitted on a weapons charge in 1999. Brafman told reporters:

“Mr. Burress surrendered this morning voluntarily to face these charges. He will be in court later this morning. He intends to plead not guilty. And we will deal with the legal process in a responsible, professional manner.”

Law & Order III

When Jayne worked in NYC emergency rooms, she enjoyed sewing people up, but used to say that she preferred stabbings, because gunshot wounds required additional signatures and documentation. The police also had to be notified.

How did Plaxico Burress get around these rules? Big tips would convince Latin Quarter employees to forget his idiocy, but how did he convince the staff, at one of the best hospitals in the city, to lie for him?

This rightfully annoyed Mayor Bloomberg, who said:

“There’s a reason why hospitals are required by law to immediately call the police department. They didn’t and they should make sure that the people who didn’t no longer work there and I would question why the management didn’t have training in place and didn’t discipline them immediately.”

Now, an annoyed Mayor Bloomberg wants Plaxico Burress to go to jail, saying:

“That’s why the state legislature passed the automatic sentence if you get caught with an illegal gun. I think it would be an outrage if we didn’t prosecute to the fullest extent of the law, particularly people who live in the public domain.”

Law & Order IV

Under examples of “Prohibited Conduct” the NFL personal conduct policy includes:

“possession or distribution of a weapon in violation of state or federal law”

Will Antonio Pierce be punished by league too?

Law & Order V

After Plaxico Burress is punished by New York City, and NFL, he will have to face Giants. Will a felony conviction cancel his new, $35 million contract? If Giants keep Burress, they can place him on non–football–injury list, and will not have to pay him while he is inactive.

But how can they keep a player, who shoots himself, and tries to hide it?

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